News channel of the year

Today, Sky News boast an exclusive interview with Pamela Wright, partner of convicted murderer Steve Wright. Mr Wright is the man responsible for the murders of 5 young women in late 2006. The interview is 12 minutes of manipulation exercised by journalistic veteran, Kay Burley. Burley expertly guides Ms Wright through each response, probing for emotional responses at every turn. At one stage Burley probes deeply and repeatedly into the Wrights' personal life in order to make Ms Wright feel exposed and vulnerable. Burley relents until Ms Wright is reduced to tears in an act of undignified tabloid journalism.

This interview was then followed by further discussion on the matter between anchorman Andrew Wilson and a man described by Wilson as an expert in criminology. The expert gives some insight into what may have caused Steve Wright to commit the murders before launching into a personal attack on Wright, who is said to be contemplating suicide. He describes how suicide is a selfish act, and that it is a fitting end to "serial killer Wright." He then goes on to suggest without any evidence that Wright is "probably responsible" for many unsolved murders in Suffolk as far back as the early 1990s.

In closing, Wilson thanks the expert and goes on to tell you that his book is available in all good bookshops from Monday.

Graphic Fart

This morning I didn't feel like doing much at work for the first hour or so. Usually I spend this time sketching doodles on the back of the calendar that acts as my mouse mat. However, this leaves a telling tapestry of dossful deceit. So why not do it on the computer itself? It's very easy to disguise, even if someone comes over to look at the screen. My artwork had already gotten out of hand by the time I put the finishing touches on my Ms Paint masterpiece, but then I unleashed Photoshop on its ass and lo and behold it's breaktime. Saft yeah!

Clumsiness is next to dogliness

There is only one excuse for clumsiness: a medically diagnosed motor neuron deficiency. If you think you are clumsy then you should get yourself checked out for a motor neuron deficiency that is recognised by the World Health Organisation. If you don't have one, then you must just be a ham-fisted spatially unaware twat.

Some people think that being clumsy is sort of cute. Clumsy people usually push this notion with their ditsy laughs and their "oops, I've done it again" demeanour. But alas, it's not at all endearing. It's quite annoying. Don't you get annoyed when a friend brings a clumsy dog into your house? Even if it's some kind of King Charles puppy cross-bred with love and flowers you're still going to get annoyed when the thing knocks over your lamp and drags your cables around your house. So why do people have to behave in such a fashion?

So, this is an open letter to all clumsy fools urging you to take note of where your body parts are at all times and what space they may occupy in the near future. Apply things like reason and logic to your movements. Familiarise yourself with concepts such as gravity and inertia and hopefully the world will be a better place.

Frontier: Elite II

Blog postings have been down since I started working last December. I work as a product designer. Product designers are stubborn gits who don't like to be told what to do by people who don't know what they're talking about. The designer is always right, and they'll make sure you know this. Achieving this is sometimes difficult, so I have devised a plan.

Managing directors are stubborn gits who tell people what to do even though they don't know what they're talking about or why they hired you. As a product designer I'm also expected to take on the role of graphic designer, something I haven't been formally trained to do, but something I can throw a reasonably successful hand to due to the broadness of my education.

Recently, the boss decided to set up a store that sells what I would deem junk. Things like Mojave sunglasses and Titanium II knife sets. I've already designed a clever sign for him that opens up rich potential for a quirky brand identity. After all, who buys junk? Idiots and mental patients. So my sign gets those people wondering what's in the shop with its foolish font and laughable tag-line. People will buy shit if it's wrapped in a scented banana leaf.

So the boss is interested in this brand identity thing. Sure he is, he wants people in the doors and spending money. He's got a business to run. So now he needs a mascot. I had logical and clever suggestions. Concepts that aren't too challenging, like rubber chickens and the like. So here's what he wants in his words, not mine:

"Some kind of mad fella with a backwards baseball cap. A cross between Scooby Doo and Fred Flintstone."

So that's what he'll get. One way to show someone why they should listen to you is to give them what they want. I am now going to sketch the most dated, crass, soulless, generation Xer I can think of. If you're lucky I'll even post it up here. If you're even luckier, the boss will change his mind...


...if he ever gets off his Gazelle®.